Diary, End of February 2021

Maybe it is about time that I write something like a diary. Or maybe a journal? It is two months now that Peter has left me. Four months ago we knew already that he would not have much longer to live. His bladder cancer had spread to the bones!

Gradually I seem to cope a bit better with having to live on my own. So far, it has been ‘only’ two months that I had to live on my own most of the time. Why does that feel like suh a long time? Maybe, because I know that Peter is not coming back to me, not ever. When in the past Peter travelled to Berlin without me for a couple of months or so, he would ring me every day. So, there was still a connection, and I knew on a certain date he would arrive back home.

What about deciding we would want to live apart? Well, there were times when we were considering it. This was a time when we just about did not enjoy doing anything together anymore. I felt Peter was constantly criticising me and angrily arguing with me. After such a tirade he might suddenly stop and demand that I be nice to him. But I failed big time. I was so hurt in my feelings, that I found it impossible to forgive him instantly . . . .

We had no arguments about money. Peter was always absolutely fair in money matters. But a separation would have been impossible without reducing our standard of living. So we lived like a separated couple for a while, still both under the same roof and even next to each other in the same bed! The truth is, we could not afford two separate living arrangements! Peter was in early retirement. The house was in both our names. The youngest daughter still lived at home and wanted to stay there. Peter did not want to move out. So I did not move out either. Peter had always liked the company of women. Our social life always included some couples, but also single women who were visitors from overseas. So for instance Peter’s sister Ilse stayed with us a few times. Her visits were always a joy for both Peter and me.

There were times when I did get the feeling that I was not the right kind of woman for Peter. Well, for instance sexually there were many ups and downs. The first few years, we had three babies in quick succession: Two lovely girls and a beautiful boy! To avoid another pregnancy did not come naturally to us. Who would have thought, that it would be so difficult?

More often than not, I kept refusing sex because I was very, very afraid of fallen pregnant again. When I was 43, I converted to Catholicism. By that time our three children had left home already, one after another. All of them left soon after turning 17!

Maybe it was the Catholic Faith that freed me finally of my anxiety. Still, it did not take long, and I did fall pregnant. However the pregnancy lasted only for about 12 weeks. Then the baby died in the womb. Many months later I had to be induced to get the dead fetus out of the womb. By that time it had shrunk to an insignificant size.

I soon recovered and immediately did fall pregnant again with our fourth child, who turned out to be another lovely daughter. After this beautiful daughter was born, I soon had a couple of spontanous abortions. I had a pregnancy test done, after the periods had stopped for a couple of times. The doctor, who examined me, could nor believe what was going on! Soon after these curious pregnancy tests I started getting some very heavy bleedings. So this was called spontanous abortions!

Since I was 44 by then, my periods did soon stop for good. But this was the time, when Peter lost all interest in having sex with me! So, why was Peter totally uninterested in sex as soon as it became obvious that I would not fall pregnant again? Instead he drove me crazy with constant nagging! Being treated like this, I did not feel very amorous a lot of the time. But I felt so disappointed that just when it would have been possible to have sex freely, sex stopped altogether for many years! When people divorce, maybe often they loose interest in having marital sex and instead go looking for new partners . . . Is that what it is, I wonder.

So, I think Peter only started becoming interested in sex again, when a very joyful and playful divorced woman seemed to sexually arouse him in some ways. The woman, a good friend of mine, let go of Peter after I had a good talk with her. After this, Peter all of a sudden found me sexually interesting again, and we had many years of beautiful sex for which I can only be very grateful! Yes sex, right into old age! For a while even when Peter had already suffered from cancer.

You may ask, why, in this day and age, contraceptives did not work for us? Why for instance did I have terribly irregular and very long lasting periods? Could it be that it was psychological? How should I know?

Why could I not go on the pill? Well I tried it, but had terrible side effects. A doctor I talked to about it, saying I was reading that a less strong pill might be better for me, said, the pill he gave me, was not too strong, and I should stop reading so much about the pill.

What I first started using after the birth of the third baby, was a diaphragm: “The diaphragm is a flexible cup that you place in your vagina to block sperm from entering your uterus. It’s most effective when used with spermicide.”

Peter soon hated the diaphragm and outright refused to have sex with me. He also refused to use condoms! There are many more contraceptives available now. But for some couples they still don’t seem to work that well. Or why are there still many, many unwanted pregnancies every year, so that abortions remain an unpleasant issue for many women?

Published by auntyuta

Auntie, Sister. Grandmother, Great-Grandmother, Mother and Wife of German Descent I've lived in Australia since 1959 together with my husband Peter. We have four children, eight grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. I started blogging because I wanted to publish some of my childhood memories. I am blogging now also some of my other memories. I like to publish some photos too as well as a little bit of a diary from the present time. Occasionally I publish a story with a bit of fiction in it. Peter, my husband, is publishing some of his stories under berlioz1935.wordpress.com

21 thoughts on “Diary, End of February 2021

  1. Maybe I should change the heading to this blog so that I might perhaps get some responses to it!

    For many years I had been very scared of another pregnancy. I believe contraception is still a very interesting subject.

    Or are these days most women, that do not want to fall pregnant, on the pill without suffering any side effects?

    But I wonder, why then are there still some unwanted pregnancies and debates about whether abortions should or shouldn’t be allowed?


    1. Perhaps this blog doesn’t appear anywhere. How does anyone know or discover this blog Uta? I never get notified when you write something even though I did join your blog. You could advertise this blog on your other much better known blog!
      Anyway, as for the issues of sex and marriage. Helvi was on the pill and after our three lovely children I had a vasectomy and that was that. Did Peter ever consider that?


    2. In the above post I wrote: ” . . .The woman, a good friend of mine, let go of Peter after I had a good talk with her. After this, Peter all of a sudden found me sexually interesting again, and we had many years of beautiful sex for which I can only be very grateful! . . .”

      So, despite a few years of estrangement in the marriage I would say overall we did have a very good marriage, a very loving marriage, that survived for 64 years! 🙂


  2. Hello, Uta…your candid comments about longevity in a sex life are very honest and interesting…speaking from an aged male perspective, arousal into old age is difficult…when a young man, one is aroused by the “mystery’ of feminine intrigue..if you get my drift..the “hard to get” play with flirtation and time apart…along also with the natural intensity of male sexuality, it all adds up to a seemingly endless hunt for relief!

    After many years of marriage, alas…the eroticism of same partners can fade somewhat..and I have found that it is usually myself that is the instigator of sexual activity..not that there is resistance and enjoyment is throughly mutual..it is the male’s duty to make sure of THAT!…But I do confess that I have to sometimes refer back into my memory for the times when I was a younger man with a younger woman and use the memory of those moments of sexual vigor to “sexualise” myself so as to create again the feeling of hunger for the act…after all..keeping a woman sexually content was always hard, dirty work 🙂 🙂 …

    I remember I wrote of a book-stall in the Central Market that sold so many of those “penny dreadfuls” to aged women in care homes and what not…and I asked the man there in the stall who brought the books..here.. https://freefall852.wordpress.com/2020/05/20/bedtime-stories-5/ …it was the response from an aged German woman that was the most informative.

    I too was most reticent to have a vasectomy in my first marriage…on the grounds firstly; that we were both young and if something happened to either of us I would be basically a eunuch in any other relationship and that pregnancy and all its pros and cons were women’s issues and I didn’t make Nature’s “rules”…..and second ; that I had this unhealthy feeling that my then wife WANTED to metaphorically “castrate” me as a punishment for the wrongs she felt…FELT..other men had inflicted upon her in her younger days..sure it’s wierd..but you know how these things develope..


  3. “pregnancy and all its pros and cons were women’s issues”

    Really? Do you still feel like this, Joe?

    But I too feel that a vasectomy for a lot of men is not the right thing to have, especially for fairly young men. Even though, I believe that most men can still be sexually active after a vasectomy, it just prevents the procreation of children! 🙂

    Thanks, Joe, for giving me the link to Bedtime Story 5! It made for very interesting reading. 🙂


  4. ” . . . “pregnancy and all its pros and cons were women’s issues”

    Really? Do you still feel like this, Joe? . . . ”

    In a way, yes..NOT in a “throw one’s hands inthe air and abandon all responsibility” way…not that…after all, I assisted..and I DO MEAN assisted in the home births of both my children…but thinking back..I wish I hadn’t…for something for me as a male was lost in facing the harsh realities of birthing…a truly eye-wincing moment..a quite gory procedure that revealed for the first time to me the “organic” reality of…actual child-birth, umbilical cord-cutting, placenta expulsion and shit and blood and gore…that I feel now I would have liked to leave to the attending women…there are some things that ought to be concealed from either gender…women have their “side of the ledger” and men have theirs…perhaps the line can overlap at necessary times, but the privacy of both ought to be both kept and respected…for there are many mysteries in living and they don’t ALL need a spotlight shone upon them…Perhaps I am being selfish..a bit precious…but then..I am a romantic..



  5. I don’t understand, Joe, You say: “. . . I would have liked to leave to the attending women…”

    Well, why didn’t you?

    Peter was allowed to stay with me during the birth of our fourth child, but not to do the cleaning up!
    I am sorry that staying with your wife during the birth of your children had such a disastrous effect on you.

    By the way. having sex when elderly does not come as easily as when one is younger. But when it happens once or twice every month, it feels extra special. This is how it was for Peter and me anyway. I think the elderly should not be deprived of sex with their partner, if they still feel like it! 🙂 Do they now have rooms for couples in age care homes?


  6. Oh yes, I bet she would have been rather busy. Delivering a baby can be extremely hard work! 🙂
    But isn’t it a great feeling in the end when all goes well and you have a beautiful baby in front of you to be loved! 🙂


  7. Of course..of course…that goes without saying….and I don’t suggest the father ought to leave the premises and come back when it is all over…he should be nearby to hear and sense the reality of childbirth..but for myself, I do now wish I was not in SO intimate attendance..all that close-up gore…it destroys the mystique of feminine eroticism…As a male, one holds from a young age this constructed image of the female beauty…think of Botticelli’s “Venus Rising”…and I don’t think I need to tell a mother of the growing young man’s fixation and self-indulgent solution to his inquiry into the mysterious sexual eroticism of women…It is a mystery best never exposed in any sort of vulgar or medicinal way via a rude awakening of witness to an actual result of the male’s “mating enthusiasm”…I recall one distressed father coming from his wife’s bedside assistance where in the midst of a labour pain and pushing, she looked to him hatefully and screamed..” You had fun putting it in there, DIDN’T YOU!!?”…..a most eye-watering-mouth-grimacing moment of truth for the father..

    But on the subject of men…As you are aware, I have written many stories of relationships where I have strove to write from the woman’s perspective…trying to “see the issue” from a woman’s point of view…but for the life of me, I have great difficulty recalling many women writing stories sympathetic to the male point of view of personal or intimate relationships…and frankly, I have grown weary waiting for such…and from that isolated position, I will claim personally, while many males attempt to understand and identify with the “woman’s perspective”…I seriously do not believe there are too many women that even TRY to understand a male perspective on sexuality and intimacy save heaping simpilistic scorn on his “animalistic sex drive” and thereby reducing male intimate sensitivity to little more than a grunt and grind act of sex- sans- love..

    What do you think?


    1. What I think, Joe? “Sex-sans-love” in my opinion does not make for a good marriage. A woman has to feel to be loved, otherwise the marriage is doomed. Further down you find a video where Maureen McGrath speaks. I find it very interesting what she has to say about sex in marriages.

      “Maureen McGrath – nursetalk@hotmail.com – hosts the Sunday Night Sex Show on News Talk 980 CKNW. She is a Registered Nurse, Sex Educator and author of “Sex & Health”.


  8. Uta…that last story I just put up ; “The Gelded Stallion”, where you pointed out quite correctly that “Martin” was not in tune with todays’ world..and I replied that neither was I….I only got two “likes” for that story..yours and Gerard’s…and only one comment..yours..even though I put it onTwitter and people went to my site to read (I presume) , I put it up on Trish Corry’s blog..and people went there to read..a link on The AIMN and people went from there to read..(if just out of spite)..and I put it on my Facebook page…and nobody went from there!…but yours was the only comment…and do you reckon I’m REALLY pissed off about it….the gutless Aust’ readership…hopeless, gutless and useless…I despair.


  9. If ever there was a nation of people who celebrated their mediocracy with such exaggerated pomp and circumstance, it is Australia…and if the annals of human civilisation are ever put down on paper, there will be only one footnote donated to the highest achievements and statued heroes of Australian culture of hitting or kicking a ball around paddock, pitch or court..: “They, as a people were wholly obsessed in activity or leisure by sport”.


    1. Ah well, there are quite a few other outlets in Australia too. Australia is a mix of many different people and cultures. The arts belong to our Australian culture too! It just depends who are the people you mix with. 🙂 This does not mean you have to totally dislike the sport loving, easy going, Australian bloke. I rather see them loving sport than loving military exploits! 🙂


  10. No Sex Marriage – Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame | Maureen McGrath | TEDxStanleyPark
    27,094,609 views•Jul 7, 2016

    Love? Marriage? Sex? Can a married couple have all three? Perhaps it’s unrealistic since so many marriages end in divorce today. Why is that? One reason might be that a reported 20% of all marriages are sexless and that number is rising. Why have we lost the lust in our marriages? Is it technology, is it trust? More importantly, how can we “get back at it” in our marriages today?

    Maureen McGrath – nursetalk@hotmail.com – hosts the Sunday Night Sex Show on News Talk 980 CKNW. She is a Registered Nurse, Sex Educator and author of “Sex & Health”.

    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx


  11. The day I’ll listen to a bloody American lecture me about ANY aspect of life and philosphy when they can’t even manage their own standards and country without murdering tens of thousands of their own citizens a year, let alone poking their noses and military into countless other nation’s business…I’ll take up ballet dancing !!


  12. https://thecelticcoach.com/interview/the-celtic-coach-interviews-maureen-mcgrath-lets-talk-about-sex-and-women/

    Joe, I think, Maureen McGrath is Irish and lives in Canada. I find what she talks about, most interesting! But you don’t have to listen to it, if you think it’s a waste of time. Sure, there might be other more interesting subjects to grapple with. At our age our sex life might not be all that much interesting anymore! 🙂

    Ballet dancing? Sure, why not . . . Have fun! 🙂


  13. Well, if that is the case, I stand corrected and humbly so…but sadly, I am no longer in a state of patience anymore to listen to much at all…I have cut my ties to social media and am seeking to cultivate an attitude of social agraphobia.. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I think the main thing is, Joe, that we can still laugh a bit about ourselves. And do each day something that we love doing . . . . even if it is something like ballet dancing – LOL!
    About ballet dancing, you may have said this in anger, but it is really quite amusing! Sorry! 🙂
    Wishing you and you dear one a good day and lovely food to eat and some great relaxing time! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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